I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
