I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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