Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I supernannyed him into submission
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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