best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got her a Nickelback box set.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
