yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if only i could text you this smell
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
