I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
