Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
