dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
