After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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