i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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