you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
