I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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