Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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