you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
