okay pat passed out under dana's car
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
