you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
