I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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