dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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