I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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