God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
