I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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