What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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