you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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