the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
