I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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