that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
