This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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