i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
