Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
