You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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