bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
