Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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