my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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