At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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