My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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