why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
