Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Your shirt... Was in my pants
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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