she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
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I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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