my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
