True but thats because hes a fetus.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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