New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
