Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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