rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
