I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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