WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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