Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
