If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
