My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
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Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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