My underwear smells like fireworks.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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