I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
