Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
