When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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