you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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