she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
