I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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